Farewells are too fucking hard 

The moment when you think you've finally found a friend who you could call on and trust on, and who could help you grow, they end up leaving you to study someplace else 

It sucks cause ive only started being close to you from middle of last year, but we've clicked so well 

Hopefully you'll flourish so much more in newcastle and come back once in a while to catch up :) 

platonic

it is weird to not want to date someone yet still crave their attention? 

the feels when someone can make you think for hours on end. you want him to be attracted and continue talking to you but at the same time set perimeters that you just want to be solely friends. 

You asked why i said no even when you ticked all the boxes

My reason for age gap was half true though- i just felt i wasn't ready to be with someone like you.

You're charming, funny and easy to talk to; someone that id always thought id want. But that shit was so good to be true that i kept thinking if you had any other intentions. You're more experienced than me in most aspects and so i kept thinking all these other things.

I think my thoughts got confirmed so soon after, so im glad things became that way. But thanks for making me feel so much cuter than i thought i was hahas.

Recaping 2014

Something i wanted to do for myself

2014 has taught me many things and has built me up to a greater image of myself

2014 was the yearin which i figured out who are the ones i should fight for and continue relationships with. Hsc has madee closer to my sister and my friends somuch that we leaned on each other and became one. 

2014 has given me a sense of communal love; love between the 169 girls that ive been with during the six integral yeara of my life. Hsc has taught us to depend and help each other and we all finished high school so much stronger and more tight knitted. 

2014 has taught me that its okay to reminisce, but don't linger on. Withdrawals towards him was something constantly haunting me during the beginning of this year, and the feeling that i never found someone better during the first few months made me linger. However, the blessing of this passing december in the form of two great friends  have made me realise what a fool i have been to think i could not meet a guy as great. 

2014 have taught me to love myself more and dont underestimate my strenghts. The rewarding results of my year of hard work has showed me that yes i can do it if i keep trying. Ive always thought less of myself but passing this feat made me so much atronger. And the bleasings of december 2014 was one of the freatest things that have ever happened. 

December 2014 was the month where i became more confident in who i am and more excited to grow to who i wanted to be. From an insecure girl, working at two different iobs and meeting a handful of people helped me realise that, no i am not sociallyawkward and yes i can make friends out of my comfort zone. Is it the two guys who became attracted to me.. Or is it the coworkers who praise my har efforts and tell me they enjoy working with me..or the bunch of friends who transcend past the period of working togehter... I dont know. But all of these happenings make me so much more excited about who i can become in 2015 and the journeys i will take.

So in 2015, i hope i can finaly achieve my one goal: become fit 

I hope that i can start afresh and learn new things and become a stronger better person.

For anyone who reads this and my loya readers: thanks for being there theough my thick and thins and hope 2015 will bring you such sweet happiness and joy. 

Midnightthoughts

I cant sleep. No this is not an angsty thought process thing. 

Its just me freaking out

Im starting work next week but im worried. Ive been put into an area i have no idea of and since its a department store- noone would be there to help.

I dont know the products well and their prices and i dont know what im suppose to do. Althought we had store oritentation- they dont show us specific sectors etc.and wb name tags and locker keys and Break time? 

I know im being over anxious- its always been a part of me to worry. Worst, i really dont want to continue that streak of bad first impressions atthe store. At the same timei knowit habitual of me to be flooded in thoughts so much to the point ill seriously stuff up.

Will it be easier than i expected? Idk

Hopefully my questions will come off as genuinely confused and all will be fixed

ahhhh

i don't know how to feel.

i don't like hurting people, and definitely don't like letting people down even if they're not close to me. i feel so mean thinking that i don't want to be in this friendship - i know they're trying hard to get close to me and i should be flattered and try to do the same, but at the same time someone who's so insecure and so weak is the type of person that i try to avoid. but yeah, right now i'm doing the bitchy thing of avoiding messages etc.

Graduation

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions that id just like to sit down and reflect. So many things have happened and there were so manythings to be grateful for that i could not put into words. For the past week ive pretty much written a blog draft a day, but too emotional and embarassed to post up. But today i will sit down and spill.

I have finally graduated. The mixed feelings of emotions have hit me everyday for the past week. Yes i am so extremely happy to celebrate this momentus moment with a cohort whom i have bonded with so well in the last 6 years and yes im excited to finally leave this school and venture out with so much knowledge and experience. But atthe same time my heart hurts thinking about all the things ill miss; the secret group locations, the classrooms, the teachers, and the friends ive made during this integral part of my life. 

Although ive always been an emotional person, the first time i was wracked with tears was last friday; our muckup assembly. As a cohort we dressed up, rehearsed songs, practised dances, and made a video of our teachers doing goofy dances together. While watching the video it hit me how much support and love is within this school. 

On monday i said goodbye to my english teacher. The man who ceaselessly marked all my essays and gave me the best most detailed critique. He transformed me from a below average to a high achiever and watching him opening our class gifts, whilst surrounded by a class that has gone through the tribulations of hamlet and the solipcism of gatsby, i felt teary to wits end.

Tuesday i said goodbye to my textiles maths and modern teachers. Especially kalina, a man who may not be so helpful for maths but so wise and funny, and ha made me love and appreciate maths. He was a man of very few words so when he was in disbelief by what the class prepared for him, it felt to me like the best moment ever. 

Joannou, the teacher who believed in me from beginning to end. She loved what i did an the designs i have chosen and although her motherly instincts annoyed us to our wits end, she never ceased to build us up towards the best mtp we could produce.

And lunney. The man who made me love modern history. From only choosing it because i had no other options to continuing it becauseit is my passion. Although it was hard you kept believing in me to reach where i was in prelim years and my late improvement was all because of him. I will never forget that day when sir wore on that hoodie and took photos with us, a side of him he has concealed for over 2 years, and for that i am eternally grateful. 

Wednesday was the day i broke down. We thanked our year adivisor for loving us and believing in us. Our mother hen. Our tiger mum. We signed our yearbooks together and took photos in our pyjammas. Then changed to costumes and took group photos in front of the bnana buah under the bright sun. It was so memorable, each and every moment. My group then went karaoke together and whilst singing, i came to realise how tight knitted we were and how sad it would be if we would not be able to be like this again. And so, during Adele, i sobbed like a baby. Worst than crying from our tear advisors speech. 

Today was the day i was clapped out of my last assembly and exited the school as an old girl. The feeling astounds me, and it still does. 

Although i tell myself of how grateful i am to leave this school behind and atart afresh, the past year has made me rethink what i have said. Although weve been a cohort for 6 years, year 12 saw us sticking together like putty and supporting each other all the way. People youre not close to would come up and gove you hugs, offer you food, help you with lovely encouragements and advice and this still amazes me. How can 170 students turn into 1 in just one year? You may not believe this, but it is true. From being cynical that i will never get along with the cool kids, i could now take selfies with them and enjoy each others company. 

And i think this is the main reason why i dont want to leave. The friendships ive made are so beautiful and dear to me that i know it could not be replicated. All of us sharing one whole goal together; either to have the best muckup assembly ever or to conquer hsc, we werent individuals but a group of strong soldiers. 

I will neer forget this. And so, to class of 2014, i thank you. Youve accepted my laughter, my crazziness and my humour. Youve found my selfconscious weakness and transformed me into a more confident person. You taught me that we can be from anywhere in sysney and have different values but we are ALL friends. I will miss each and every one of you so much and good luck woth everything.

And to my close friends- i mustve done aomething really good in my past life because i am so incredibly lucky to have such friends like you. You are all so unique but youve helped me become so beautiful inside out and neer cease to support me. I will miss our hang outs outisde of school and im so sad uni might separate us. You guys have been such an integral part to my life and im so grateful. 

Here are a list of names id like to mention (first names only)

Jasmine

Kristie

Sadia

Steph z

Steph x

Sarah

Maddie

Jess

Linda

Samiha

Katharine

Kim

Xin

Lily

Lamya

Kerry

Mary

Annie

Danica

Michelle

Ann

Jessie

Thankyou for being that through mt highs and lows and goodluck with everyrhing tou do.

Sorry that this has been a long post, so ill end this with this quote: 

Once a high girl, aways a high girl

Stay C14ssy guys :) 

I really wish i could let go

I really wish i could just be like everyone and say yes its all okay

Im not even pressured by anyone to do well

But i hate the feeling of not being on top of my game

It scares the heck out of me and i feel so defeated 

This year has tested me full on about my confidence levels, my persistance and right now i feel like im fighting a losing battle with the pressures i put on myself 

This cyclical nature overwhelms me to the point that i cant do things efficiently without feeling down, without feeling depleted. 

Of course im fearful. Fearful that every step i take wrong is going to effect that end goal that i idealistically imagined and i thought i would get there at the beginning of the yeah but ive been pushed so low that i am certain it will not happen. 

And i hate that. Never have i felt so lost and just a pile of mess. 

I wish all of this would  quickly end. But im afraid of facing the impending truth of what ive built up from the start of the year til now. 

I want to think of the positives. Maybe i could get to my end goal via another pathway. I dont know. 

I think the best way to overcome this is to just be positive and be happy. But im so lost lately that i dont know how. The part of me that is always bubbly and cheerful no matter what is so depleted and tired and i always feel like i need someone else to support, to mke me feel better, when the only way it would work if i was to transform myself. 

But for now i am consciously hanging onto the illusion of happiness, and although i know so well that is fabricated thing does not and will not define me, i mke it so that it is. Its like an innate part of me to try to pull myself down. 

Im still learning. 

my babe at glastonbury

wish i could be there but no, fucking trials.

my fucking situation right now