ahhhh

i don't know how to feel.

i don't like hurting people, and definitely don't like letting people down even if they're not close to me. i feel so mean thinking that i don't want to be in this friendship - i know they're trying hard to get close to me and i should be flattered and try to do the same, but at the same time someone who's so insecure and so weak is the type of person that i try to avoid. but yeah, right now i'm doing the bitchy thing of avoiding messages etc.

Graduation

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions that id just like to sit down and reflect. So many things have happened and there were so manythings to be grateful for that i could not put into words. For the past week ive pretty much written a blog draft a day, but too emotional and embarassed to post up. But today i will sit down and spill.

I have finally graduated. The mixed feelings of emotions have hit me everyday for the past week. Yes i am so extremely happy to celebrate this momentus moment with a cohort whom i have bonded with so well in the last 6 years and yes im excited to finally leave this school and venture out with so much knowledge and experience. But atthe same time my heart hurts thinking about all the things ill miss; the secret group locations, the classrooms, the teachers, and the friends ive made during this integral part of my life. 

Although ive always been an emotional person, the first time i was wracked with tears was last friday; our muckup assembly. As a cohort we dressed up, rehearsed songs, practised dances, and made a video of our teachers doing goofy dances together. While watching the video it hit me how much support and love is within this school. 

On monday i said goodbye to my english teacher. The man who ceaselessly marked all my essays and gave me the best most detailed critique. He transformed me from a below average to a high achiever and watching him opening our class gifts, whilst surrounded by a class that has gone through the tribulations of hamlet and the solipcism of gatsby, i felt teary to wits end.

Tuesday i said goodbye to my textiles maths and modern teachers. Especially kalina, a man who may not be so helpful for maths but so wise and funny, and ha made me love and appreciate maths. He was a man of very few words so when he was in disbelief by what the class prepared for him, it felt to me like the best moment ever. 

Joannou, the teacher who believed in me from beginning to end. She loved what i did an the designs i have chosen and although her motherly instincts annoyed us to our wits end, she never ceased to build us up towards the best mtp we could produce.

And lunney. The man who made me love modern history. From only choosing it because i had no other options to continuing it becauseit is my passion. Although it was hard you kept believing in me to reach where i was in prelim years and my late improvement was all because of him. I will never forget that day when sir wore on that hoodie and took photos with us, a side of him he has concealed for over 2 years, and for that i am eternally grateful. 

Wednesday was the day i broke down. We thanked our year adivisor for loving us and believing in us. Our mother hen. Our tiger mum. We signed our yearbooks together and took photos in our pyjammas. Then changed to costumes and took group photos in front of the bnana buah under the bright sun. It was so memorable, each and every moment. My group then went karaoke together and whilst singing, i came to realise how tight knitted we were and how sad it would be if we would not be able to be like this again. And so, during Adele, i sobbed like a baby. Worst than crying from our tear advisors speech. 

Today was the day i was clapped out of my last assembly and exited the school as an old girl. The feeling astounds me, and it still does. 

Although i tell myself of how grateful i am to leave this school behind and atart afresh, the past year has made me rethink what i have said. Although weve been a cohort for 6 years, year 12 saw us sticking together like putty and supporting each other all the way. People youre not close to would come up and gove you hugs, offer you food, help you with lovely encouragements and advice and this still amazes me. How can 170 students turn into 1 in just one year? You may not believe this, but it is true. From being cynical that i will never get along with the cool kids, i could now take selfies with them and enjoy each others company. 

And i think this is the main reason why i dont want to leave. The friendships ive made are so beautiful and dear to me that i know it could not be replicated. All of us sharing one whole goal together; either to have the best muckup assembly ever or to conquer hsc, we werent individuals but a group of strong soldiers. 

I will neer forget this. And so, to class of 2014, i thank you. Youve accepted my laughter, my crazziness and my humour. Youve found my selfconscious weakness and transformed me into a more confident person. You taught me that we can be from anywhere in sysney and have different values but we are ALL friends. I will miss each and every one of you so much and good luck woth everything.

And to my close friends- i mustve done aomething really good in my past life because i am so incredibly lucky to have such friends like you. You are all so unique but youve helped me become so beautiful inside out and neer cease to support me. I will miss our hang outs outisde of school and im so sad uni might separate us. You guys have been such an integral part to my life and im so grateful. 

Here are a list of names id like to mention (first names only)

Jasmine

Kristie

Sadia

Steph z

Steph x

Sarah

Maddie

Jess

Linda

Samiha

Katharine

Kim

Xin

Lily

Lamya

Kerry

Mary

Annie

Danica

Michelle

Ann

Jessie

Thankyou for being that through mt highs and lows and goodluck with everyrhing tou do.

Sorry that this has been a long post, so ill end this with this quote: 

Once a high girl, aways a high girl

Stay C14ssy guys :)