Morning made my smoothie intime for train, caught it was jasmine an went out of station alive even without tickets hahahs
1. English came to class to be given Crucible and started going through it
2. Had modern felt so free cause i would be deopping it nexr week an was soaking up all my freedom and falling asleep in class cause fuck modern
3. Maths wa distracting but did all my work and soldiered on
4. Then chem came. What i thought was a decent go at chem was a lie and i was faced with the excruciating pain of getting shit. Again. The moment when you think that you have tried ur very best and have studied harder than so many to get a below average mark sans mcq hurted so bad- and i felt that even though i love the witty cool science behind chem and how everything made sense and was relatable to so many things- i still felt my love for chem was one sided and it felt like it would always be.
I dont understand. I know im not the brightest kid but i alwys knew that if i had it in me and the motivation to study i would excel, or at least be average. Even when i studied so hard, knew the concepts, and even began to enjoy chem with all it ups and downs it was still not enough. And figuring out that most people would did not find that joy and put in that hard work and got pretty good makes me feel a whole lot shitter cause i dont know what the fuck im doing wrong.
Talked to zam and even went a bit teary and he just told me to focus on what i can do and what im good at and just drive towards the goal.
Which is modern. The beauty of modern is, when i try so hard, i get what i deserve. The fun of learning the conflicts and historical events are so appealing and worthit to understand how we a humans have evolved and its just really fun. But the reason why i chose to quit it was because of the workload that followed it. Essays and booklets and works and words that would take decades to memories were unbearable for me- so how would i be able to handle next year where everything is 10 tome the amount of last term? - and im not even exaggerating.
But yeah, it was a lot to think about. People said to try 13units but i didnt want to be unsure when i started year 12. Although it sounds easy- the choice to do something youre shit at and be unsure about your atar or something you're quite well ranked at and do well but is not helpful for your path in uni and shit.
Gaaaargh. Decisions already on the first day. Ive made up my mind though- dropping chem and doing as much as i can to get my marks. The cohort is so good at modern as well. Djakjaicjaka so much shiiiiit to rethink fml has to happen after i made my decision to betray zam and join harrisons, that was not even needed
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