I really wish i could just be like everyone and say yes its all okay
Im not even pressured by anyone to do well
But i hate the feeling of not being on top of my game
It scares the heck out of me and i feel so defeated
This year has tested me full on about my confidence levels, my persistance and right now i feel like im fighting a losing battle with the pressures i put on myself
This cyclical nature overwhelms me to the point that i cant do things efficiently without feeling down, without feeling depleted.
Of course im fearful. Fearful that every step i take wrong is going to effect that end goal that i idealistically imagined and i thought i would get there at the beginning of the yeah but ive been pushed so low that i am certain it will not happen.
And i hate that. Never have i felt so lost and just a pile of mess.
I wish all of this would quickly end. But im afraid of facing the impending truth of what ive built up from the start of the year til now.
I want to think of the positives. Maybe i could get to my end goal via another pathway. I dont know.
I think the best way to overcome this is to just be positive and be happy. But im so lost lately that i dont know how. The part of me that is always bubbly and cheerful no matter what is so depleted and tired and i always feel like i need someone else to support, to mke me feel better, when the only way it would work if i was to transform myself.
But for now i am consciously hanging onto the illusion of happiness, and although i know so well that is fabricated thing does not and will not define me, i mke it so that it is. Its like an innate part of me to try to pull myself down.
Im still learning.
